Depression in a nutshell

The moment of peace, you say you needed a rest so you're taking it now. You don't want to think about anything but somehow you catch your self thinking.

Little yous in your head are having a conversation and you're forced to take the seat, at the head of the table.

'let's listen to them, it shouldn't take a minute'.

They introduce the doubts, ask you if you're happy. You think and realise you aren't happy. They remind you of everything you couldn't get, they remind you of the losses.

I wish you never listened to them, I wish you had an argument with them.
You'll sink in for a while then dismiss the meeting.
It continues.

Today's meeting is different, you're not at the head of the table. The little yous in your head which you've come to realise are your demons have taken their seat and the wheel. You don't want to listen but somehow you're caged to the spot. They go over everything, tell you you're a loser.

You listen and maybe you're agreeing, maybe you're not. You aren't sure.

Days begin to be stressful for you, it's not easy handling so many conversations so you just start distancing your self from the ones you can stop. You stay away from friends and family. You're always lost in that little head of yours. But then there's a person(s)  you never truly stay away from. They are the reason for the sanity that is left in you.

They are special in a special way. Their presence makes you stop thinking, with them you have a moment of peace. You'll try so hard not to chase them away. It could be your sister, your brother, mother, Daddy or someone else. You love them truly.

Their love for you keeps you, if they give up on you, you might give up on your self too.
You don't exactly want to be treated like you're sick, you just want excessive love. People don't get that, they don't know that it's different, somehow.

Today you had a long day at work, school or whatever. You're back, feeling stressed. You had a little fight with the special someone and you just want to sleep it off, but they have other plans.
I speak of your demons. It's not your fault that you now listen to them because in a way they're always there for you.

They start putting those ideas that you're special someone is tired of you. I mean who wouldn't be tired of you, you're stressful to manage. Your mood is never constant. It changes within seconds.

They tell you to give them peace, fight with them and give them a reason to leave you. You're vulnerable at this stage so you agree with them. You listen to them, you obey them. At this point, they're all you listen to.

You're so weak, you have no control over your life again. You're tired of it all, so tired.
You fight with them and true enough they actually leave you alone—for that moment.
The demons come back, you're having a migraine but they don't talk less. You're crying but they still mock you. You just want to rest.

Sleep hasn't been easy to come by these days, lying face up has slowly become your night routine with small patches of sleep minutes. You're worn out.

You miss everybody so you're angry at your self and your thoughts. You're angry with the loud voice in your head—the voice isn't small again, it's loud. It's all you hear these days. You can't get peace again, not even a second of it.

The scary thought comes in, a moment of peace can be gotten with death. You shake your head and brush it away. You can't possibly do that to your self.

Suicidal thoughts have never been your thing, you never imagined you'd be having them.

Things aren't getting better and slowly you have those suicidal thoughts more times then you think is healthy. Maybe you'll hurt yourself once in a while so you can think of only the pain, maybe you'll hurt yourself to remind you that death should be a painful feeling, maybe you'll hurt yourself because that's what you feel like doing but one way or the other, you wouldn't know you're getting worse.

You slowly realise that if you can attain death, your demons would die with you.
If you're dead, you wouldn't have to go through those long depressing thoughts. It's funny because there used to be a time that you loved them more than humans, they had seemed much more comforting because they always came back even in your worse moments but right now, all you can think about is your prolonged moment of peace.

You drink the poison, or let your self hang from the ceiling fan.
Slowly, the voices in your head keep quiet, the small smile spreads across your lips. You're happy in that minute moment of time. For once you had put them to sleep. For once they were quiet and you weren't thinking.

Maybe also, in that moment you'd realise that in a way you had lost. You are just like everyone else that had given up on you. It's sad, really sad.
Maybe in that moment you'd wish you hadn't done it, maybe in that moment you wouldn't realise your mistake but no matter what, it would be too late.